It's Always Darkest...

It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.

Despair... purples and black... it's like this poster was made just for me

I was just admiring the demotivational posters from despair.com.  I don't know if that's a commentary on the excellence of the posters or the depths of my depression... or perhaps a combination of the two. 

Big D has been kicking my butt lately.  I can't scrounge up the motivation to do anything.  I have an almost obsessive need to (over)explain everything, so it's difficult not to write a detailed treatise about what's going on with me.  But when I started this blog, I swore to myself that I would never use it for ranting or complaining... and I'm sticking to that. 

So I'll just say that I need to take a little break, and leave it at that.  Sooner or later - hopefully sooner - I'll feel better and start doing projects again.  The creativity and motivation will return, and so will I.

Whee! Shopping!

I went on a shopping spree.

First up: beaded fringe.  I ordered from CheepTrims for $2 or less per yard.  (Jo-Ann sells similar 1" trim for $7.49 per yard.  Retail markup is ridiculous!)  The prices were so good, I couldn't resist ordering several types of fringe... 50 yards total.  Guess who will be putting beaded fringe on everything.  :)

1-inch black beaded fringe

 2-inch purple beaded fringe

and I scored this black iridescent fringe for 65 cents per yard!

Because my walls are desperate for art, I ordered two prints of John William Waterhouse paintings.

"Vanity"

"The Crystal Ball"

Now that the holiday season is over, I braved the retail stores.  I found a cool wrought iron dog dish holder at Hobby Lobby for $15.  It's just the right size for my little Bean Sidhe.

And for myself, lots of goodies.  From Hobby Lobby, a box with lid for $7.  From Walgreens, 12 cinnamon votives for $2.50.  From HomeGoods, scented purple drawer liner for $3, a cup for holding makeup brushes for $4, six pairs of tights for $17 and a set of white 600 thread count sheets for $50.  From Bed, Bath and Beyond, Sparkling Cinnamon candles for $7 and $10 and a container of potpourri for $12.  I'm not really into Christmas potpourri, but I like the shape of the black metal container.  Not shown are a new memory foam pillow and mattress topper from Amazon which I've already put on my bed.  Mmmm... memory foam is so comfy.  And the reason I went to BB&B, a set of black 500 thread count sheets for $80.  Not a major bargain, but nice black sheets are VERY hard to find and my current set is faded.  By the way, if you have never slept on high thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, don't do it!  You'll be ruined for life and forced to spend $50 or more on sheets lest you feel like you're sleeping on sandpaper.  :P

I haven't been in a Bed, Bath and Beyond in about four years, and I was surprised at how many silly "As Seen on TV" products they carry.  For instance, Pajama Jeans.  Seriously?  Pajama Jeans?  Am I the only one who thinks encouraging people to wear pajamas in public is a bad idea?

I Am My House

My house is a metaphor for myself.  We have a lot in common, after all.  We both came into existence in 1975.  When we first met, I could see that we'd both been unloved for a while.  Though we may look or feel shabby on the outside, we've had enough inner strength to hold up through difficult times.  We each stand alone, not connected to another of our kind.  We both have potential, though we both need a lot of work.  Neither of us is eye-catching or attractive by current standards.  We both lack many of the attributes that people find desirable.  You might say a person would have to settle for us.

For the last few weeks, I've been struggling with a flare-up of depression.  As a result, I have done very little with myself and with my house.  I've been researching and planning, but I haven't managed to actually DO much of anything. 

To extend the myself-as-house metaphor, depression is a lot like mold in a house.  It's toxic.  It's insidious, growing in the dark, damp places where you can't see it.  It rots you from the inside out.  Sometimes it makes its way to the surface, where the obvious parts are rubbed away or covered up.  But it's still there, doing its damage just out of sight.  True eradication is difficult; it requires a concerted, directed effort.  Sometimes you have to tear down the walls piece by piece, destroying what's familiar and comfortable to reach the bare foundation.  Only then can you truly correct the problem and then slowly rebuild.

Luckily, my house does not have a mold problem (that I'm aware of, anyway!).  But if it did, I would have no problem putting in great effort to get rid of the nasty stuff.  I would tear down the walls if I had to.  I would spend the money on the right materials and rebuild everything correctly to prevent the problem from recurring.

If I would do all that for my house, why won't I do it for myself?  My house is quirky and flawed.  It's small, it's outdated, it's not much to look at.  But I don't care.  I love my plain, little, flat-fronted box of a house.  It may not suit others, but it's perfect for me.  Sure, my house has issues (lots of issues), but mostly I think of them as opportunities for improvement.  When I look at my house, I see possibilities.

I want to see myself in the same way.  I want to accept that I'm imperfect and like myself anyway.

It's Been a Busy Two Years

In the tradition of end-of-the-year retrospectives, I remind myself of some of the work I have done on my house over the last two years. 

my house as it looked when I bought it - so very turquoise!

new windows, new door, new paint - a work in progress

the dining room as it looked the day I took possession of the house

the dining room in progress - what once was window is now door

living room on inspection day - luckily the furniture didn't come with the house

living room on closing day - I ripped out the soiled carpet from the entire house before moving in

living room in progress

living room on inspection day

living room on closing day - looks pretty big when it's empty

living room in progress

living room on closing day

living room in progress

hall on inspection day - complete with trail o' grime (ick!)

hall in progress - much nicer with hard floors

bedroom on inspection day - I thought the flesh tone walls were very creepy

bedroom in progress

bedroom on inspection day

bedroom in progress - still need a headboard

bedroom on inspection day

bedroom in progress - my favorite room so far

So much left to do!  Landscaping, kitchen remodel, bathroom renovation, molding, paint, new furniture... I have big plans for 2012 (and beyond).

Happy New Year! :-)